Finding a Life of Peace through Forgiveness

Finding a Life of Peace through Forgiveness

It is a difficult thing to forgive; whether it is forgiving yourself or someone else, speaking the words, "I forgive." is half the battle. But the war is not won by simply saying the words. No. It isn't until you've truly let go of resentment and anger buried deep in your heart that you are released from the shackles of unforgiveness. I learned this lesson all too well and I hope to share with you just how I learned to set down the anger that was poisoning my heart.

Carrying a Load of Bricks

Guilt. Anger. Resentment. We carry them like invisible bricks on our backs. With all the self-blame and anger I was carrying around, I could have built a skyscraper! But I didn't realize that this heavy weight was the cause for my short temper. One morning, as I struggled to get my preschooler and toddler into the car, I was hit hard with an awakening that I needed to do some soul searching.

I was going to be late for work. It was another 7:30 a.m. meeting (something businesses should really reevaluate when they have parents with small children, but that's a topic for another time). Both kids were already dressed, with shoes and coats on when my son gave me his puppy dog eyes look. I immediately knew what was wrong. He looks at me and says, "I have to poop!" "Oh man!" I thought. "I don't have time for this!" When my son was potty training, he had to get fully undressed when he went to the bathroom. I'm talking everything -- including the socks and shoes -- had to go!

Off we went into the house to let him do his thing. Ten minutes later (it felt like longer!), I was buckling his car seat trying to get him back in the car for the second time. Now I was really going to be late! I was angry. Like embarrassingly furious. I'm shouting and talking to myself (or so I thought) when I hear the sweetest, soft voice and it stopped me in my tracks. "Stop it mommy." The voice said. I looked down and I could see fear in my son's eyes. I was scaring my own child with my raging outburst. I closed the door, got in the driver's seat and quietly cried as I drove my kids to daycare.

Unpacking the layers

Thankfully I was still seeing a stress management counselor at the time of my outburst. As we talked through what was going on with me, it became clear that I was still hanging onto guilt and resentment (for myself and toward the pediatrician that missed the signs of heart failure). Two years after my youngest son was born with congenital heart disease (CHD), I was still carrying around the weight of anger and guilt that I had placed on myself when my baby went into heart failure at five-weeks old. I blamed myself for not pushing back hard enough on the pediatrician who had sent me home not once, but twice in an eight-day period -- telling me everything was okay. I felt guilty for not calling the cardiologist's office to tell them we had been to the pediatrician for concerns about Bryce's breathing and eventually his vomiting. I blamed myself for working too much during my pregnancy - for being under so much stress and not drinking enough water or getting enough sleep. I carried tremendous guilt for having to spend so much time at the hospital away from my four-year-old daughter who had just lost her grandfather. And two years later, I still felt guilty for going back to work at a demanding job that took so much of my time from my family.

On top of the heavy burden, I had placed on myself, I was facing resentment toward coworkers who were taking advantage of my kindness and willingness to help. A market leader in the business I supported would drop work at my feet on his way out the door. I would watch him go home to his children while I stayed late finishing his last minute, untimely request. It was becoming a regular occurrence, and I was growing increasingly resentful by the day. Couple all of this with the underlying grudge I didn't realize I was still carrying for the pediatrician who had missed the signs my son was in heart failure. Although I had told people many, many times that "I forgive him and no, I didn't plan to seek a malpractice suit." I realized that I still had resentment in my heart that I needed to let go.

These things alone were heavy bricks to carry. As normal daily hassles reared their head, more bricks were added to my already heavy load. When you're stressed, the cortisol levels in your body increases, triggering the fight-or-flight response. When you remain in a constant state of stress for long periods of time, it can wreak havoc on your body's ability to self-regulate and deal with even everyday stressors. What normally might be a mild reaction to someone pulling out in front of you in traffic could turn into a heightened, overactive response.

Letting Go. Learning to Forgive, and Finding Peace.

Once I understood what was driving the heightened anger burning in my stomach, I got to work learning how to forgive. At first, I struggled with how to forgive someone who has never apologized to me. I felt that by forgiving my coworker was giving him a pass for his ungrateful and disrespectful actions. Forgiving the pediatrician, in my mind, meant I was excusing his negligence. Then I realized that forgiveness was not for them. Forgiveness was the path to my healing and peace. I needed to let go of the anger, resentment, and even the self-guilt I carried for so long.

Forgiveness was not something I was able to accomplish overnight. It took months of work and multiple resources to help me find peace. I found comfort reading God's word. Going to church and hearing my pastor explain the story of Paul and the thorn in his flesh helped me to see things in a whole different light. Finally, I found several strategies that I put to use to help me release the anger, stress, and resentment I was holding onto. When I finally set that burden down, I no longer felt that fire in the pit of my stomach. My temper did not flair when the daily struggles popped up unexpectedly. Did I get angry? Sure. But I was now able to self-regulate, control my breathing, deal with the daily challenges and forget it. I no longer allowed things to pile up to a boiling point. I addressed them, acknowledged the pain, and then let it go. The pain no longer had control over my life, and I learned to live a life of peace.

Some of the effective strategies I used were as follows:

• Developing a gratitude mindset

• Change the self-talk (treat yourself as you would your friend)

• Practice humility and grace daily (when you fail, get back up and try again!)

• Remember that Jesus taught us to forgive others as He has forgiven us

• Daily mantra: "My grace is sufficient for thee." (as in Paul's story)

Share your thoughts.

I hope by sharing my story from a life of anger, resentment, and guilt to finding forgiveness and living a life of peace will help you in whatever struggles you are fighting today. If this was helpful or inspired you, I would love to hear from you! Would you like to hear more about the strategies I used to release the anger and learn to forgive? Email me at heartmom@prayerfulwarrior.com or click on "Contact" from the Menu above.