Infertility - the battle so many face in silence

When Dreams Met Reality

When I was younger, I had my entire life mapped out. Like many young girls, I envisioned my wedding day, imagining the exact age I would be when I became a bride. I even pictured how many children I would have, and I knew how many boys and how many girls would fill our home with laughter. However, God had a different plan for me, and it turned out to be a lot more beautiful than I had ever imagined.

Blending Our Families

In the summer of '99, I married my husband Rob and his two young children. Becoming a stepmother was a completely new adventure that I eagerly embraced. As we grew as a blended family, and I discovered the meaning behind the saying, 'family isn’t defined by flesh and blood.' The first ten years of our marriage, my stepchildren were the only children we had. I was content with our little family and loved the precious moments we shared as we watched Rob's children grow.

The Emotional Roller Coaster

As the years went by, my fondness and love for my stepchildren deepened. They had stolen my heart from the moment I met them, and I realized that I longed to expand our little family further. After completing my degree, my husband and I were excited to start trying for a child together. I was still quite naive in my youth and thought there wouldn't be any "trying" about it. I didn't anticipate the journey that lay ahead.

With each passing month and every disappointing blow to my dream of a child of our own, my despair grew deeper. In their attempt to reassure me, my husband and family members suggested that I "stop stressing about it." Their assurances were well meaning but felt insincere all the same. Unless you have experienced the roller coaster of emotions that one goes through during a season of infertility, you may never truly understand the heartache.

"Trying" to conceive became a defined, well-planned effort that needed to be met with precision. Timing was of the essence! My biological clock was ticking, and I often wondered if maybe I had waited too long. I had wanted to finish my degree and have a steady career before adding another child to our family. So, I waited until I finished going to college (which I had been doing at night, while working a full-time job.) Now, I feared that the opportunity was passing me by, and I grieved for the life I had dreamed as a child... to one day hear a child call me "Mom".

Each month I would update the fertility charts and online calendars that helped me track my most fertile days of the month. As the years waned, my efforts grew in desperation. I bought ovulation testers like they were going out of business. I kept them with me everywhere I went. They were in my work computer bag, my purse, and I even kept a spare box in my office desk in case I ran out! We went to a fertility clinic for testing to see if we could get answers. The results came back with zero evidence or explanations as to why we had not yet conceived.

My desire to control, track, and plan every aspect of this amazing and beautiful miracle began to put tension between my husband and I. He tried to help me relax and encouraged me by reminding me that no matter what happened, we still had our loving little family, and we would be okay if it wasn't in our plan to have a child together. I prayed night and day for God to bless Rob and I with a child of our own. Each month, for over thirty-six months, the answer was returned a resounding "No!"

Letting Go and Letting God

In the summer of 2007, I finally resolved to accept the fact that I was not meant to be a birth mother. I prayed and gave all my despair, my anguish, and my heartache to God. I acquiesced that our dreams seemed just out of reach. It was during this time that I truly understood the depths of patience and resilience. Our blended family had taught me that love can grow in unexpected ways, and sometimes, the journey to becoming a family is as significant as the family itself.

Though life did not follow the track I once envisioned, our life together has blossomed into far greater blessings than I could have ever dreamed. The Lord blessed our family with our youngest daughter in the fall of 2008. Four and a half years later, we were surprised with our youngest son. Through the waiting, God has taught me that patience is having faith in His timing, which is always perfect -- never late, never too early, and always right on time! The memories with my stepchildren mixed with the adventures of our expanded little ones warms my heart in unimaginable ways. I’ve learned to embrace God's amazing grace and cherish the love that surrounds our blended family.

Share Your Thoughts

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